Scene Gossip

How often do you find yourself talking about other people, especially those whose lives don’t directly affect your own? Is it really healthy to gossip about other people in order to socially engage ourselves with our peers and play partners? Although it may seem like harmless chit chat, gossiping is a much deeper problem then most even realize. When you gossip or speak negatively about the lives of others, you are judging the way someone is living their own life, based on limited and sometimes false information.

Now, it's important to note that there is a difference between gossiping about someone, and blowing off steam which can be quite therapeutic. The difference is that with gossiping, a line is drawn, putting the gossiper on the good side, and the gossipee on the bad side, forcing the listener to join one side or the other.

Why is it so entertaining for people to sit around examining the hardships and difficulties of others instead of talking about something positive in their own lives? The answer is simple, but also a bit difficult to face.

People who are engaged in the lives of others are avoiding their own and in a way, they enjoy focusing on the trials and tribulations of someone else, mostly to take their minds off what we as human beings all find ourselves going through. What gives people the right to dislike and defame someone? Most times our own inferiorities are the basis for the prejudgment we impose on others because it’s too difficult to admit our own imperfections and issues to ourselves and others. It’s pathetic to watch a person or group sit around putting down someone who isn’t even there and has done nothing to anyone but live their own life the best they can. Instead of going with the flow when you get around negative people, stick up for whomever it is that’s being bashed. Make a statement and be positive. You’d be surprised what kind off reaction you get, mostly because others don’t think about what’s going on until it is brought to their attention and then processed individually.

Think about it; would you encourage a child to bully others or to act cruel to children that are different?

The truth is because it’s easier to focus on the hardships of people we have no emotional attachment to, instead of focusing on the aspects we don’t like in our own lives. Once you see there is a problem, the right thing to do would be to improve it, but that would mean hard work and having accountability, something many people are just too lazy and scared to do. However, as Doms, we have an inherent responsibility in looking out for the safety of our submissives and the people around us. Submissives have an inherent responsibility for servicing their dominants, and respecting the Doms in their proximity. And if you're a switch, you're screwed both ways. :)

In the end, we're all accountable for our actions whether we like it or not, and are somewhat responsible for the community around us.

My intention in posting this is to get people to reflect about themselves and why being negative or judging others is simply a waste of time, not to mention unkind and ignorant. Nobody is perfect, even I catch myself talking to girlfriends about so and so or what who's-her-name was doing, etc. However, it’s a rare occurrence you’ll find me caught up in the middle of a group bashing of anyone, especially if they aren’t there to defend themselves.

Unless we have been in someone else’s shoes, we have no right to comment on what we would do or what they should do, regardless of what my own personal opinion about that person might be.

There are many reasons why people gossip.

FOR ATTENTION When you know a secret that nobody knows, or are the first person in your group to hear a rumor, it can make you the center of attention. A rumor or piece of gossip is sometimes like money; telling it to people is like buying their attention, if only for a few minutes. You might even save up a really scandalous rumor, waiting for the right moment to blab so you get the maximum amount of attention for it.

FOR CONTROL OR POWER Certain people always want to be in control and at the top of the ladder. This may stem from a serious insecurity issue, and is prevalent to both Doms and subs. When people are at the top of the popularity scale, or are determined to climb higher, one way they do this is by reducing the “status” of another person. Spreading rumors and gossip is one of the main ways people reduce another person’s status, especially among girls. It’s like one caveman beating up another caveman for control of the tribe... only it’s done with cruel whispers and petty remarks instead of fists.

TO FEEL SUPERIOR When people are feeling bad about themselves, they sometimes think they’ll feel better if there were someone worse off than they are. It’s like, it’s okay being near the bottom, as long as they’re not actually on the bottom. The easiest way for them to make sure someone else is on the bottom is to make up a rumor that puts him or her there.

TO FEEL ACCEPTED If everybody else is gossiping or spreading rumors, you might feel you have to do the same thing in order to fit in. When you’re “in on the secret,” you’re in the group. Unfortunately, the person who the gossip or rumor is about is usually left out of the group for the same reason that you’re let into it.

OUT OF JEALOUSY OR A NEED FOR REVENGE If you’re jealous of someone’s looks, popularity, or money, you might gossip about that person in order to hurt him or her. If you feel that someone’s done something bad to you, or deserves to be hurt, making up a rumor might satisfy your sense of justice.

OUT OF BOREDOM Did you know that in many studies, this was the #1 reason why young people say they spread rumors? Sometimes, a period where everyone is happy and getting along just seems kind of... dull. Spreading juicy dish might shake things up a bit, or get two people to start a fight, and that would make life a little more exciting. All those tabloid newspapers and TV shows full of celebrity gossip are pure proof that rumors are a popular form of entertainment.

Where does all this tie in? Well I guess it all comes down to taking control of your life and being the best you can be. Gossiping is merely one of the many distractions which keeps us from focusing on improving ourselves and having happy and fulfilling lives (not to mention really great sex). If you’re too busy judging the lives of people you hardly know instead of wishing them the best and worrying about how to help yourself, nothing good or productive will ever be in the final outcome. In other words you’ll stay stuck in that rut of negativity while the people you spend so much time talking badly about will eventually move on and find themselves in a better position in life because they overcame the struggle of hardship- no thanks to the people who were consumed with the joy of expecting them to fail.

What's most important is, we're here to have fun! The BDSM scene is not about gossip and creating alliances so that we can play each other off one another. It's about having fun.

If you are the target of gossip like this, let it roll off your back and recognize that in the scene, somebody will do something stupid in a week, and everyone will forget about it. If you have the urge to spread gossip, go see a therapist.

When you are having fun, I don’t believe there’s an awful lot of time to waste on the everyday problems of mere acquaintances. There are too many obstacles to overcome in their own lives so that they can one day succeed in reaching their goals and then living their dreams.

Do you have what it takes to be successful in the scene? Take the first step by cutting out the gossip and you might be surprised how your own personal success follows suit. Or would it hurt too much to try?