The NIght No One Was Born

Sweat dripped down her arms and lips as she hung there, blindfolded, hands cuffed to a cable in the center of the room like a meathook hangs an innocent calf. I paced around her, gazing at my captive prey, ready to pounce.

Making sure the sleazebags and gropers stayed away, I did the best I could to intimidate them with all 5'8" of me, but I refused to let them distract me from my conquest. I kept her guessing, a brush of the hand here, a whisper in the ear there, never letting her know where I would land next, or with what weapon.

I wanted her scared.

I wanted her waiting in anticipation, not knowing what was coming, and too confused to guess.

The ice dripping down from inside her bra, and the heat from her flogged back sent her sensations for a tailspin, and after two hours of pleasure and pain radiating through every muscle, bone, and nerve ending in her body she couldn't take any more. Her body buckled under the pressure, going limp, and falling out of the cuffs.

I guided her to the floor, slipping a pillow under her sore ass for safe measure, and as she sipped her water and looked up into my eyes, she said, "My God, I've never come so many times in my life."

That was the night I met Lasher, that was the night I knew what I had become, and I loved it.

Fetish Noir Mentor Program Review

This blog post is a review of the past 3 months I have spent in the Fetish Noir mentor/mentee program, working with Luke Jayden.

I started exploring BDSM at the start of 2010. I was ignorant of everything but the knowledge that this was something I wanted to try, and was lucky enough to stumble into Fetish Noir early on. After a couple meetings I became a mentee to Luke-Jayden, and have been working with him just over three months as I've figured out what attracts me to the LA bondage world.

I was very unsure of what to expect from working with Luke. I knew that he'd been involved in BDSM for over 8 years and was well regarded by the small circle of friends I had made. Our early meetings consisted of my telling him what I was interested in, where I was coming from, and what I was looking to gain. He mostly just listened, laying out basic safety guidelines and restrictions. He explained that his goal with mentoring was to give people a positive introduction to BDSM, helping them avoid early crashes caused by easy to avoid mistakes, as well as sniffing out mentees to make sure they had healthy motivations.

I expected my time with Luke to involve a lot of training in technique, theory, safety, and the assorted practicalities of craft. I was surprised (and sometimes frustrated) that these things rarely came up. Instead Luke's role was to provide a guide, to act as sounding board for the numerous questions that came up, to introduce me to members of the LA community, occasionally give me the necessary push to get involved in scenes, and I suspect to keep a watch on me to make sure that I wasn't risking myself and others.

Due to our mutually busy schedules I would sometimes barely talk to Luke for a week or two at a time, but it was still enormously helpful to know that there was a dedicated mentor available to answer questions, to update with my progress, and to use as a resource. Other times we'd be in frequent contact as Luke would question me on what I had been learning, planning, and seeking. He advised on relationships I was forming and play that I was participating in, and warned me of common traps and dangers that I might be heading into.

Going into the relationship I had an image of a mentor as more of a trainer, but found Luke instead to take the role of a good and wise friend. Looking back I see now that training in technique is not what I needed at so early a stage, nor what I was ready for as I formed basic relationships and learned about what it is that I want out of BDSM. With Luke's help I'm entering a state where I'm ready for more hands on practice, and so am enormously thankful to have had Fetish Noir's mentor program during my first step.

The Joys of Aftercare

Late this April's eve, as I shake the ice in my glass that's now empty of spirits; I have a flash of memory. To a younger (and stupider) Xeno. I had just stumbled and fell to my knees. My eyes wouldn't focus on anything. My whole body was just shaking, twitching and wouldn't respond to any command. Up was down, down was out and I didn't know if I was silent or screaming bloody murder at the world.

(Did I love it? Hmmm well if you don't know the answer to that than you must have stumbled onto this page)

As I laid there (...well memory is still a little fuzzy. I still can't remember if I was lying down, standing up or even standing on my head.) Anyways, as I...existed there, I was wondering, where was my Mistress? I was fighting/riding waves of wonderful colors of pain and sensation and insanity. While in the meanwhile, reality was slipping away through my teeth and there was nothing to latch on to. No body to hold, no voice to grasp. There was no one to help ease me out of this strange and wonderful kaleidoscope of sensation. And so, poor younger Xeno had to deal with his subspace many a times by himself as his....misguided (see I'm being nice!) mistress either watched or did her own thing

So what is the value of aftercare? I mean why not let your beautiful submissive know that as they have their brains leaking out through their pores, that their wonderful sir/ma'am is taking care of them. Making sure that there is someone to latch onto in case that sensation (also known as the "oh gods") gets a bit too real, to intense. Isn't it a wonderful feeling to know that there's someone to help guide you back into rationality instead having to fight your way back to the real world.

To me, Aftercare (note the capital)shows all the love and affection the dominate/sir/ma'am/master/mistress has for their precious submissives/pets/toys/servant/slaves. Not only is it in the words that are said but in the actions that are taken that determines what kind of dominatrix a person is going to be.

In that moment a submissive person is most trusting, most sensitive to anything that happens to them. It's like a form of hypnotism in what can be imprinted during those moments. Whatever words spoken or actions performed in that moment while affect them deeply and truly.

Unfortunately it's a very easy way to screw your submissive up. So my advice to a sub, you got to trust that whoever is going to put you in that moment is going to do good by you. And to a dom, remember that whatever energy you put out into the universe gets returned to you three fold.

With Love and Lust,
From the man of a thousand Kinks,
The Delightfully Decadent Xeno

The Tools of the Trade, Respect them.

Leather, chains, paddles, canes, ropes, floggers, whips, candles, blades and even electric wands. These are but some of the many tools that are available to use on our lovely submissives. So what are the requirements needed in order to use said tools. A license,a group of our peers signing a bill allowing the use? Nope, usually it's just obtaining the funds and whatever you plan on doing not being outside your submissive's hard limit.

But wait...in a perfect world all submissives are honest about their hard limits and since the rivers aren't flowing with gold it's obviously not a perfect world. So it would do some good to make sure your sub isn't grandstanding. In this imperfect beautiful world, the same tools that professionally trained dominants use to create such delicious agony can be put in the hands of (dramatic pause) someone who has no clue how to use them. You can gasp now.

So now wait a moment people say. You are being unfair they say. Everyone starts out not having a clue how to use our tools and everyone has a moment where they whacked themselves in the head with. (I'll stop for a moment so the reader can flashback....and done) My point is there are two types.

There are those who eventually learn how to use them right through practice, getting shown the proper usage (Thank you mentor doms) or just getting tired of hitting themselves in the head (sigh). And sadly, there are those who just believe that they can pick up a bullwhip and use it to perfection the first time. Please don't laugh at them.

Remember the tools we use are designed to hurt people in a whole multitude of ways. Respect what you work with, learn how to keep them clean and working at one hundred percent. That way any pain you cause is because you wanted to cause it. After all it's all fun and games until someone loses a nipple.

Love and Lust
The Man with a Thousand Kinks
The Delightfully Decadent Xeno

The Power and Damage of Reputation

Well good evening my follow deviants. Reading the last two post about things to think about the person you are bringing into the scene and the social pitfalls of the gossip had me think back to a situation that I recently encountered at a recent event. In the situation, two people that have been brought to play with us for the first time had approached me.

Persona A and Persona B (I shall not use names) had found me drifting about in a pleasant haze (Why wouldn't I be I just saw a delightfully kinky show.) Anyways they were very upset as it seems that some have decided not to play with them (They were very willing and very sober.)

The reason: the reputation of the person that brought them to our playground for the first time. Due to Persona C's actions, his/her reputation had unfortunately rubbed off on our new comers.
Isn't it upsetting to be welcomed to a new experience full of all the things that you've only fantasize about only to get locked out at the gate because "You are good friends with So-an-So you must be like them and you most likely will act like them" or "You're going to being So-an-So with you to play with us and we don't want to play with him/her."

So what could else could I do but say to them "You'll have to let your actions show people who you are. If the doms don't want to play with you, you can't do nothing about that. Don't abandon your friend, but don't let his/her's actions ruin your fun"

As they left upset that made me think about the impact of being who we are where we are at. In this scene where we celebrate and explore our passions. Everyone will eventually meet everyone and it's not always going to be hugs and kisses.

It's our reputations and actions that can and will help or hurt the people we bring into the scene. It is easier to trust the friend of a positively reputed person, but we have to remember that in case that it is the opposite situation. That people, will reveal the quality of their character by their actions and we should try not the paint them with the same brush strokes as we have other people.

What we do just doesn't affect us. It's a chain reaction that affects our friends (both vanilla and chocolate covered) family and loves ones. So It's a good idea to remember the Golden Rule. Even if you don't think no one's watching...trust me someone usually is. Just because someone has given you permission to make them bleed doesn't have to make you a monster. Just something to think about this relaxing Friday night.

With Love and Lust,
From the man of a thousand Kinks,
The Delightfully Decadent Xeno

When to tell?

When considering bringing someone new into the scene, ask yourself several questions:
1. Can this person keep their BDSM encounters a secret, and not blab it all over the office/school/neighborhood?
a. Even if they get drunk?
b. Even if they have a bad relationship experience?
2. Will this person benefit from a BDSM environment?
3. Is this person already leaning in the kink direction?
a. If not, why should you even risk bringing them in?
4. Are they intellectually open-minded enough to approach a BDSM environment (or will they have the mindset of 'I wanna look at the freaks')?
5. Are they emotionally stable and prepared for an environment (and possible relationship) that is outside the social norms?

Scene Gossip

How often do you find yourself talking about other people, especially those whose lives don’t directly affect your own? Is it really healthy to gossip about other people in order to socially engage ourselves with our peers and play partners? Although it may seem like harmless chit chat, gossiping is a much deeper problem then most even realize. When you gossip or speak negatively about the lives of others, you are judging the way someone is living their own life, based on limited and sometimes false information.

Now, it's important to note that there is a difference between gossiping about someone, and blowing off steam which can be quite therapeutic. The difference is that with gossiping, a line is drawn, putting the gossiper on the good side, and the gossipee on the bad side, forcing the listener to join one side or the other.

Why is it so entertaining for people to sit around examining the hardships and difficulties of others instead of talking about something positive in their own lives? The answer is simple, but also a bit difficult to face.

People who are engaged in the lives of others are avoiding their own and in a way, they enjoy focusing on the trials and tribulations of someone else, mostly to take their minds off what we as human beings all find ourselves going through. What gives people the right to dislike and defame someone? Most times our own inferiorities are the basis for the prejudgment we impose on others because it’s too difficult to admit our own imperfections and issues to ourselves and others. It’s pathetic to watch a person or group sit around putting down someone who isn’t even there and has done nothing to anyone but live their own life the best they can. Instead of going with the flow when you get around negative people, stick up for whomever it is that’s being bashed. Make a statement and be positive. You’d be surprised what kind off reaction you get, mostly because others don’t think about what’s going on until it is brought to their attention and then processed individually.

Think about it; would you encourage a child to bully others or to act cruel to children that are different?

The truth is because it’s easier to focus on the hardships of people we have no emotional attachment to, instead of focusing on the aspects we don’t like in our own lives. Once you see there is a problem, the right thing to do would be to improve it, but that would mean hard work and having accountability, something many people are just too lazy and scared to do. However, as Doms, we have an inherent responsibility in looking out for the safety of our submissives and the people around us. Submissives have an inherent responsibility for servicing their dominants, and respecting the Doms in their proximity. And if you're a switch, you're screwed both ways. :)

In the end, we're all accountable for our actions whether we like it or not, and are somewhat responsible for the community around us.

My intention in posting this is to get people to reflect about themselves and why being negative or judging others is simply a waste of time, not to mention unkind and ignorant. Nobody is perfect, even I catch myself talking to girlfriends about so and so or what who's-her-name was doing, etc. However, it’s a rare occurrence you’ll find me caught up in the middle of a group bashing of anyone, especially if they aren’t there to defend themselves.

Unless we have been in someone else’s shoes, we have no right to comment on what we would do or what they should do, regardless of what my own personal opinion about that person might be.

There are many reasons why people gossip.

FOR ATTENTION When you know a secret that nobody knows, or are the first person in your group to hear a rumor, it can make you the center of attention. A rumor or piece of gossip is sometimes like money; telling it to people is like buying their attention, if only for a few minutes. You might even save up a really scandalous rumor, waiting for the right moment to blab so you get the maximum amount of attention for it.

FOR CONTROL OR POWER Certain people always want to be in control and at the top of the ladder. This may stem from a serious insecurity issue, and is prevalent to both Doms and subs. When people are at the top of the popularity scale, or are determined to climb higher, one way they do this is by reducing the “status” of another person. Spreading rumors and gossip is one of the main ways people reduce another person’s status, especially among girls. It’s like one caveman beating up another caveman for control of the tribe... only it’s done with cruel whispers and petty remarks instead of fists.

TO FEEL SUPERIOR When people are feeling bad about themselves, they sometimes think they’ll feel better if there were someone worse off than they are. It’s like, it’s okay being near the bottom, as long as they’re not actually on the bottom. The easiest way for them to make sure someone else is on the bottom is to make up a rumor that puts him or her there.

TO FEEL ACCEPTED If everybody else is gossiping or spreading rumors, you might feel you have to do the same thing in order to fit in. When you’re “in on the secret,” you’re in the group. Unfortunately, the person who the gossip or rumor is about is usually left out of the group for the same reason that you’re let into it.

OUT OF JEALOUSY OR A NEED FOR REVENGE If you’re jealous of someone’s looks, popularity, or money, you might gossip about that person in order to hurt him or her. If you feel that someone’s done something bad to you, or deserves to be hurt, making up a rumor might satisfy your sense of justice.

OUT OF BOREDOM Did you know that in many studies, this was the #1 reason why young people say they spread rumors? Sometimes, a period where everyone is happy and getting along just seems kind of... dull. Spreading juicy dish might shake things up a bit, or get two people to start a fight, and that would make life a little more exciting. All those tabloid newspapers and TV shows full of celebrity gossip are pure proof that rumors are a popular form of entertainment.

Where does all this tie in? Well I guess it all comes down to taking control of your life and being the best you can be. Gossiping is merely one of the many distractions which keeps us from focusing on improving ourselves and having happy and fulfilling lives (not to mention really great sex). If you’re too busy judging the lives of people you hardly know instead of wishing them the best and worrying about how to help yourself, nothing good or productive will ever be in the final outcome. In other words you’ll stay stuck in that rut of negativity while the people you spend so much time talking badly about will eventually move on and find themselves in a better position in life because they overcame the struggle of hardship- no thanks to the people who were consumed with the joy of expecting them to fail.

What's most important is, we're here to have fun! The BDSM scene is not about gossip and creating alliances so that we can play each other off one another. It's about having fun.

If you are the target of gossip like this, let it roll off your back and recognize that in the scene, somebody will do something stupid in a week, and everyone will forget about it. If you have the urge to spread gossip, go see a therapist.

When you are having fun, I don’t believe there’s an awful lot of time to waste on the everyday problems of mere acquaintances. There are too many obstacles to overcome in their own lives so that they can one day succeed in reaching their goals and then living their dreams.

Do you have what it takes to be successful in the scene? Take the first step by cutting out the gossip and you might be surprised how your own personal success follows suit. Or would it hurt too much to try?